I can't take it anymore.

I only have one friend who doesn't have kids.

So..I have 5 close friends. Between them they have 8 kids and 2 on the way. 1 of them has no kids and is the only one who is married.

I just found out about one friend that is pregnant again. She has a very serious blood disorder called TTP. She had my godson almost 3 years ago. Since then she started having mini-strokes and they dont know why. They only know that she couldn't use hormonal birth control because it could give her a major stroke. So what do you think the hormones from a pregnancy will do to her?

Now, 90% of the reason I'm upset that she is pregnant is that she knew the risks yet she only used birth control "sometimes". The other 10% is because my friend that doesn't have kids and I are the only ones that own a house. 3 of my friends with kids live with parents. I kid you not. The other basically lives off the state with section 8 housing. So ya. WHY is it that the people who are responsible have no kids?

I'm bitter. I'm really bitter. I'm happy for my friends and I love all their kids to death. I do.

I'm just hurting. I have to finally get the nerve to talk to my dr about getting help.

And the wait begins.

So, today is supposed to be the last day of my cycle..... again. Waiting on dear aunt flo to show her nasty self. I swear my hormones are completely out of wack. My chest is literally a whole size bigger this month. Much to Eric's delight. Much to my discomfort.

I chart every month. My chart is glaring "TEST TODAY YOU COULD BE PREGNANT". Ya. Ok. I'll go run out and spend money on a pregnancy test just for aunt flo to show up as soon as I use the stupid thing.

IF..and that's a BIG IF...because it's not f'ing likely I won't get it...I'll probably test tomorrow or Wednesday. I always get it when I'm supposed to, though. If I'm "late", it's usually cause I miscalculated something. Oh the obsessions of a woman.

I know I'm not pregnant. That's just something that doesn't happen to me.

12 days til my birthday.

Blind trust.

For the past few days I have been feeling completely hormonal. I go through these stages where I need a baby fix. Friday I had my godson overnight. Eric asked if it "filled" my baby fix. Nope. Tyler is so cute. He's almost 2 and a half. I had a lot of fun with him. It's funny to hear a 2 year old call your name over and over. I admire mothers. I really do. It's hard to have all that patience.

I love how he puts all of his trust in me. He looks to me when he's upset. When he needs someone to comfort him. Someone to play with. To show his new find. To try to talk to me in the full sentences he hears in his head but doesn't quite come across that way yet.

I just love kids.

After we dropped off Tyler, Eric says, we need to get you a baby soon. Big smile on his face. Too bad it's not that easy. Growing up I always thought I would have at least 1 child or one on the way at my current age. Life cannot be planned so easily.

Even though we use protection, I am alerted by every change in my body. Could I be? Twice I felt different and took hpt's. Only to have a line. Only to find that it was a chemical pregnancy. Heartbreak. After many discussions, Eric and I have realized that if it were to happen sooner than later, we would be happy about it. It's not planned as of yet. Not until after next May. Hopefully. We have not told anyone this information. Once I am pregnant, I hope to keep that information private at least until I reach the 2nd or 3rd month. Just because it makes me very nervous to make that kind of information public when there are still so many things that could happen. God forbid. I am always thinking of when that day will come. It seem so far away and that makes me very sad.

But..one day. Eric and I will have our very first child. That child will be so loved. We can't wait for that day. I can't wait to see the look on his face the first moment he sees his child.

To dream...

My man.

We were on the way home from spending a "wonderful" LONG day with his mom last Saturday. Eric turned on a CD he recently burned for his new CD player in his car. He turns to disk 2 track 45. He warns me "I love this song." I've heard the song before. This was a Joan Jett version of Crimson & Clover. It's one of those songs that sends shivers down your spine for no reason.

Eric tells me to listen to the lyrics of the first two lines of the song.
"Ah, now I don't hardly know her
But I think I could love her "

He explains this is the reason he likes this song. That it completely explains the feeling he had when he saw me for the first time. When I didn't even know he was looking.

I love this man. He has a way of completely flooring me with things he says or actions. Even almost 7 years later.

The other shoe.

I was messaged earlier by my Dad.
Turns out my 72 year old Grandmother is getting married next month. It seems everyone and their brother is getting married before me. Including my Dad (last April...THIRD wife) and now my grandmother. Oh my cousin was married in February, too. While I am extremely happy for all of them, Eric and I have been together longer than all three of these relationships combined. We just have to elope or something.

I definitely have to look for a new job. They are laying off all of customer service and planning and outsourcing the departments. FUN. Let's hope I find something before my birthday.

Depressing

It's very strange that I love the fall. It seems that every time October/November comes around, something really crappy happens.
Today I found out that the company I contract for is doing a major reorganization. This includes the outsourcing of a whole department. That and my department will lose some responsibilites. Which could mean some jobs. How are they going to hire little old me if they are trying to get rid of some of the existing positions.

I have a month to find a new job. I haven't received official word from my "boss" yet. But this looks really bad.

Go figure. Buy a house. Car seizes. Buy a car. Lose job. What is more logical than that?

The rush

So it's the end of the month. There are a ton of things going on in October. Today is Eric's mom's birthday. I have no idea how old she is. We are going to Boston with her on Saturday for her birthday present. Eric bought her the Star Wars Trilogy and one of the Harry Potter books in paperback that she doesn't have. We'll go to some museum and probably to lunch maybe dinner. Eric's brother lives in Boston so he usually makes the majority of the plans. Fine by me.

Sunday I'm going to church with my best friend and her family. She asked me to be her daughter (Kalyani's) god mother. So we go for around and hour on Sunday.

We get our new couches on the 7th. Finally. The 9th is Kaylani's 1st birthday party and her actual birthday. Sunday the 10th is her baptism.

The weekend after we have no plans..yet.

The 23rd we are meeting up with my friends Marc and Julie. I worked with Marc years ago at an internet company. The 24th Eric wants to have a bunch of his friends over for the Patriots game.

The 29th is my dad's 50th birthday. His party will be on the 30th at his house in Needham, MA. Of course the 31st is Halloween.

My sandal broke at lunch. I actually had to staple it together. I feel like a bum.

I started weight watchers again today. In December I horrified myself by getting on the scale and realizing I was 167lbs. I'm only 5'3". I was so depressed. One of my best friends had just had a baby and was thinking of joining weight watchers. She is 5' even. She was around 174. She had a baby in October. She was ready to start losing weight. I thought it would be a great time to join since I had her to join with and go to weigh in with. By the middle of April I was 149lbs. I stopped going to weigh ins because it was getting expensive and were trying to by the house. So, I kept up with the weight watchers on my own. By the middle of June I was down to 136lbs. I LOVED it. I felt so good. I wasn't even following the plan 100%. I was so happy. Then my uncle died of brain cancer. Unexpectedly. He had it for 3 months, I think? Maybe 4 before he died. After he died I didn't follow the plan very much. I got on the scale on Tuesday (at home) and it said 148. I was pissed. Not to mention it was the middle of my period so I was bloated (excuse excuse). My friend mentioned weight watchers to me yesterday. She was down to 142 a month ago and got on her scale at home and it said 148, too. So the two of us were off to weight watchers again. We went at lunch. Apparently my scale at home is wrong. I'm 143.8 according to their scale. I was surprised. My 10% goal is 129 something. I don't know how realistic that is. We'll see. But, considering, I'm pretty proud of myself. 23.2lbs lost since December. And it wasn't THAT hard.

The fall weather always makes me happy. I don't know what it is. But I have always loved this weather. If it could stay like this all year, I'd be happy. If only winter would stay away longer. Fall doesn't last long enough. The leaves are pretty colors.

I have to go to the grocery store after work. Someone want to do that for me? Please? I hate shopping.